Gingerbread cookies, short stories, and loving yourself.
I've been bummed guys.
For some reason I've been hating myself so much for the past few months. I have pimples on my hips because of how often I pinch them. If that's not enough I've judged every interaction with the people nearest me, wondering if I'm a selfish, mean, bitter person and unwilling to face it.
I often talk to strangers. Mostly during the warmer months when I'm riding around on my bike. Sometimes they get this look in their eyes, or a tone in their voice. I get the feeling they see something great in me. It made me sad. I felt like I was lying to them somehow.
Notice I'm using past tense.
You are who you are. You can wear a mask, but underneath you are who you are. I get so worried about what other people think of me. Specifically if people think I'm cruel, or selfish, or stupid. When I felt people thought that way about me, I'd go over all my interactions. Once, by, one, and ask myself if there was a part of myself that said this to make them feel that way. If I did that because some part of me knew it would bother them. Over and over, and over again until my head felt upside-down and twisted in knots.
I put the breaks on and said, 'enough is enough.'
|This is me :)|
I know who I am. I don't have to sit and think about it for hours because you don't have to think about who you are. You are you. There's no getting away from yourself. You can try, but it'll always be there like your shadow stuck to your feet. And if my friends, if complete strangers can look at me and find something to love, then it's ridiculous that I myself can't find something as well.
I chose to love myself. When I made this choice, it felt like my entire body gave a sigh of relief.
I wrote something for the first time in a long while. It's very different then my usual work. (grounded more in reality) I understand why. I took true emotions from four of us, and condensed it into two characters, and four thousand words. You can read it here.
Thanks to a wonderful new friend, I can post my own pictures here now. (I might still steal from the web from time to time. But, honestly, who doesn't.)
My next post will, undoubtedly, be about gingerbread cookies. I try, and fail, to make them every year, but I think I can do it this Christmas! Wish me luck, and all the best Holiday wishes to you all.