A Sense of Self

As you might have read in an earlier post, there's a tarot card reader at a tea bar called Tisane in West Hartfor Ct. I went to see him a few times, but I feel this most recent time budded the most results.

A sense of self. When your borne into the world you grow up learning who that is, learning what you want, what makes you happy, sad, angry. Turns out I don't have this, due to some sort of trauma, neglect, miss learned lessons. I can't tell you what I want. Even if you ask me I'll give you a general answer, and if you ask for details, chances are I'll give you a blank, slightly quizzical stare.

It ties into so much I don't even know where to begin, but I'm going to take classes. I was offered four classes for a fair price considering these things, and I'll take them, because I'd only begun to touch up on to many of the things he's  noticed before today.

I've asked myself so many times, Do I want to be a writer, or am I just a writer because that's what I feel everyone thinks I am?

I get glimpses of this bright, confident, powerful and shinning woman. I want to meet her, be her, shake her hand and see her in the mirror. I've always felt like I was in a fog, so thick I couldn't escape or see the shore. So I drifted, drifted, wherever the currents of those passing around me chose to take me. Well that fog needs to let the sun shine through so I can figure out how to make a sail, and lead the way. I'll leave a wake so powerful  behind me, that you'll have no choice but to follow.

Comments

  1. A good part of life is finding out what you don't want to do. This comes from searching, exploring, failing, succeeding, falling down or getting back up. I like Avril Lavigne's lyrics:

    Life's like this
    You, you fall and you crawl and you break
    And you take what you get and you turn it into honesty...

    So if you try and you fail, don't give up and and get jaded or disillusioned.

    Ask yourself if you want to look back after 20 years and would be sad if you weren't a published author or artist. That shining woman awaits you!

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    Replies
    1. After posting this I gave it a lot of thought. (Because my bed and pillow are conspiring against me) I realized that he's absolutely right, in everything he said, but I also feel, and have always felt, than when I write, that person comes through. So, yes, I'm meant to be a writer, and I will always writer, even if I can never call myself a published author.

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    2. Yes, Melissa Rose, I agree you are a writer. I was trying to simply say. "Give yourself a break". You are using the tension you feel about your writing in a positive way--through your writing! Many people never publish their words because of the fears you suggest. You have gotten over that hurdle and made your words public, bare, for all to see. Please keep the words a flowin'! :o)

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    3. Thank you so much. :) When I publish my book you'll have to get a copy.

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    4. Thanks! I will devour it for my breakfast, lunch, dinner and fourth meal!

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  2. That's kinda how my writing started. More of a "I have an artist inside me, but how does it want to come out" sort of line of discovery. Tried art, animation, filmmaking (growing up near Hollywood was great for that) but then I found a love for words and have stuck to it since. :)

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    Replies
    1. I bet growing up near hollywood was fun. lol

      I started out life as a jock, than got into reading around eithgrade, and I didn't even think about writing until a teacher assigned us to write a poem based on how the main character of a book we were reading, would feel given the situation. I handed it in and she told me, "This is really good. Have you ever thought about pursuing this?" Which got me wondering, 'you know, that's not a bad idea.'

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